im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow