If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My inexpensive home security system…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Woke up against my better judgment again
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!