Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
sigh
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
when revenge coincides with naptime
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.