“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
You Might Also Like
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE