My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
No laws when master is gone
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji