Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.