Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.