2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Krampus.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]