I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.