Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
how to market bottled water to dads
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My wedding will be open casket.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business