[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
So true for me
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
when someone compliments me
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]