A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift