me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
😩😩😩
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.