If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna