[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
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Computer: shutting down
Me: same
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead