This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“i am a sweet baby”