“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner