“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.