The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.