therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
my astrological sign is a french fry
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”