I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face