Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!