Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: