Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…