*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.