The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
At least my masseuse has my back.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀