My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.