I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
pep talk
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I don’t know what to do
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
#Caturday
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!