My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent