I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Hamburger Hinderer.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey