Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me :
All Day At Night
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.