“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
sounds kinky. i’m in.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas