Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
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Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.