Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“I FIXED IT!”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.