I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
my sentiments exactly
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.