A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”