Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Every. Damn. Time.