Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.