Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I’m so full I could puke a horse
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.