When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.