I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.