[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The glockness monster
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”