Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The best shot in the history of golf
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵