Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.