DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Nomnomnomnom
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night