The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
fired
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
no!! no!!!!!!
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.