My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Word!
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
bugs when you lift up a rock
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”