I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…