“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.