[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water